You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
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My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
getting old is fun
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
i was baptized in a car wash
Somewhere in an alternate universe
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
termite twitter scares me
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.