Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
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we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
the icebreaker
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell