Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
You Might Also Like
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice