Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
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I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is