on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
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Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Worst Native American name ever.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.