a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
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Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
wtf is an acronym
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”