*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
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I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.