“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
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I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Best spoiler warning ever
The opposite of goth is stopth.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.