Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
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Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.