hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
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Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
me hooking up with my ex
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
But I really needed water water water
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.