The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
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A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Always…
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets