I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
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Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.