I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
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Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three