This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
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My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
smh
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
life finds a way
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.