Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
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waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Meat Cute
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad