I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
You Might Also Like
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
yeah no that’s fair
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love