*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
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My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
@funTweeters
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.