Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
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I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots