[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
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When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
estão todos miauvindo?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.