All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
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This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
TRAIN’S HERE
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to