* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
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Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
no one ever comes back
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night