[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
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Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*