My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
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Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.