Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
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There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.