If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
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My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”