Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
You Might Also Like
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”