[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
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11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
i will not be silenced
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
normalize having existential bread
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth