Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
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The symmetry is uncanny.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
🙄😏😂🤣
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans