“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
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If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no