[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
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[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR