Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
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“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy