[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
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me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Only Americans understand
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*