People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
The news in a nutshell.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario