I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
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That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
i did the math
Uh oh…
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Air conditioning – not a fan
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray