Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
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The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending