When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
You Might Also Like
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Finally!
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”