Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
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If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Time heals everything 🙂
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet