Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
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If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx