[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
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If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.