Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
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“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
O Wise One….
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
awkward
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms