I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
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Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.