99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na