Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
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I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Well, that didn’t work.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.