If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
tis the season
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Usage Guidelines
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.