Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
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A fake ID that makes you younger
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
my sentiments exactly