This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
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LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.