why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
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Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
technically true but not a great slogan
Um … Hot Wings please
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is