These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
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Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
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D
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Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG