TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
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I saw this ending much differently.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor