When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
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i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Sign of the day..
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside